I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
