i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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