if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
