I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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