I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
