I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
