u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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