A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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