i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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