My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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