She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
