wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
