remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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