Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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