listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
