I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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