when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
