News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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