some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
