Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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