At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
