I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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