Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
