Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
