omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
