I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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