had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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