I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
