Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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