I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
It's rum buckets o'clock
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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