I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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