turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
