I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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