yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
