mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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