your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize