so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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