i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
