She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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