My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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