We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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