The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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