My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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