I think I died a long time ago.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Randomize
