I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
