I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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