my phone needs a breathalizer
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
That accounts for only three of the penises
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
