I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
These tits shall not be calmed
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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