WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
