I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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