either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
whose parrot is this?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
