Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
