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looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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