Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
