she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize