I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
