Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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