why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
