Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize