He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
is wine microwaveable?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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