plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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